Fear

I feared.
I fear of anything that I wanted to do.
I fear that I am going to fail the things that I wanted to do.
I fear that it is going to embarrass myself when I fail to do things.
I fear that I am going to lose myself, if I tried too hard.
I fear that I am being too strong.

Why fear?
Just do it
Stand up again, if failed
Everyone struggles, nothing is embarrassing.
Your decision is your thoughts, and it represents you.
Your thought will not let you loose yourself.
Being strong will make you fly.

Confusion
Why cannot I decide things?
Why I have to stress myself out and decide something that I do not want?
Just be you.
You are tripping by fear, and watching people rise.

Why are you so weak in character;
Be strong, but not be self centered.
Despot is nothing but another fear from yourself.

The fear virtually, make you did a lot of things.
However, in reality, you did nothing but think through.

Just try more, focus more, and stay real. It is simple as that.

In Guilt

Blaming whom, I presume

Condemn the fact that I assume

with the word I used 

with the call she refused

Speaks 

harshly, break the heart that is soft

with no intention

but it caused laceration 

In guilt

Why am I so dumb that never thought of this

Consequence that break things in pieces

Fire that would continuously burn 

hearts would keeping wound 

both tear flooded 

Rain that continuously pouring

Eyes and mind that keeps drowning

forget about the forgiving

Both heart questioned 

Both mind exhausted

--Draft on July15, 2015

Realizing

These been two weeks. A long week of studying. My thought and focus for studying are scattered now. As the days passed in my studying, I get stressed out.

Lets talk about Focus in studying. Focus is not a thought, but performing an action with no distractions. It is simple yet hard. It is sacrificing you as a whole to zoom-in on something that you need to be good at. However, it's your focus, it's your creativity, and your self- understanding that would let you learn more about one specific topic. You face yourself when you are focus on one job. Not only focus on can give you strength on the job, but also it gives insights about yourself.

Study PCAT: Focus

In the beginning of the summer break till now, I am studying PCAT. There are composition, calculus math,  chemistry, biology, and verbal in PCAT. This exam is competing the skill in short term study and review. Most of the subject of contents were review for besides biology. As a biochemistry major student, I learned and used most of knowledge through out my classes. Thus, this exam for me is all about the ability to focus in the short time.

A quote from a friend of mine: "Studying is similar to jogging, you have to passed the "glycogen depletion" phase then you will start learning." I felt that this quote matches with my studying scenario meticulously.

To me : Remind yourself to calm down. Keep your body in relax position, and stop worry about the stuff that not in the material. Do things one by one with care and precision.

Kevin Lan
June 8. 2015

New Blog, and New Life

I am back in the blogging world, and I feel this project can be benevolent to others (maybe) and myself. This blog will keep track of my thoughts, and experiences from my hobby explorations. To me, blog journal can work as an experience reference; that I can look up when I am lost with things that I have done in the past. Nevertheless, this blog can work on my rusty writing ability after sophomore year in college.

In my best hope,  I can continuously working on this blog as my weekly/monthly journal.


Kevin Lan
June 2. 2015